Honestly, it's not really a rant.

I don't know what it is...lol.


*clears throat*


I have been through hell, kinda, the past few days. But I see there's that light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm looking forward to it.

This year has been pure shit, and I'm not really saying that to be emo. I'm saying it because it's true. Yet, within the past month I also feel like I have stuff to look forward to going into the new year.

I still miss my mom, but I know she's looking over me. Life is going to be better for me and Ian both, we both need and deserve it...especially Ian, he's my world.

I've met an incredible guy with whom I can see it working out, I really really can. I have never laughed as much as I have with him, nor have had as much fun. On top of that, he's great with Ian. That is definitely a huge plus in my book. I'm just praying and hoping he doesn't turn into a complete and total asshole. I'm still guarded, but my walls are coming down. Which hopefully will be a good thing.

So all in all, thats what's going on. I'm really scared for the road ahead but I know everything will be ok.

.....words can't even quantify how happy I am right now.


Please let it stay this way.

When you're with a person who constantly puts you down, day in and day out, you tend to believe that what they are saying is the truth.

I finally stepped up. I finally took what I felt was necessary measures, and I found out stuff that makes it even better and easier for me to do what I need to do.

Finally, Derek is going to be out of my life for good. What he did today was the breaking point for me. The negativity he brings, the sadness, the anger. It's all going to be gone. I'll feel happier, it'll be better for Ian, and life will be...well, thuper. lol.

In even better news, I went on a date yesterday with said guy I had been talking about before. He was such a gentleman, very fun and sweet, and just...well....fucking amazing.

I'd like it to see it go somewhere. I really really would, but.....I'm gonna take it slow and let it progress at a good pace :) If there is progression because well....I don't wanna get my hopes up....lol.

I really feel like I have a guardian angel looking over me...aka...my mom. I really really think she is.

Ok.

I'm going to give this a shot. This could be it.

Everyone deserves love and happiness...and this could work out very well.

So I'm gonna put that aside. All the negative thinking. Have a fresh outlook. Take it slow and see where things end up. If it works out, great...if not, oh well.

I realized I attract a certain guy.

Dark hair, glasses, computer wiz, and Star Trek fan.


My god I really hope this goes somewhere positive. I have these....weird feelings inside...haha.


But boy am I happy.

It's early. I need to get ready for work.

I only slept like....not even 3 hours.

fsjlfjsldflsdfj

I need a new job.

I also need to buy contact solution because using water is making my eyes feel shitty.

Ok, time to go and get ready. I also have to take the garbage out since today IS garbage day.

On a more positive note, the house is nice and clean. Just need to get laundry done and get the dishes done, but there isn't that much to do. So I guess I'll do that today since I can't play WoW anymore :(

I need coffee.

Stat.

...the old IRC channel is up with everyone again...it feels so good to have everyone back together again :D

I'm scared. I have to get an MRI tomorrow morning. Doctors think there's a good chance there is a brain tumor.

*sigh*

I also start physical therapy next week bc they also think I have hip bursitis, which is why my hip has been in excruciating pain.

Oi.

Will post more later.

On a much more pleasant note, I'm going to be involved with the Anchor Bay Community Band, so that should be awesome.

So yeah. Here are some pics from Ren Fest when I went. Had loads and loads of fun, definitely.















Day off tomorrow, and getting my kitty. Still getting used to my new home. Maybe post pictures soon.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately. No, this isn't really going to be an emo blog. Really, what's the point of being emo? But in all honesty...whats the point of life? What's the point of attempting to become someone important when in the end it doesn't matter? I mean really, we all die. Life is so pointless and boring. Yes, let us become zombies and do repetitions all the time. Love? What the fuck is that? Love doesn't exist. No one can remain faithful anymore, so really, why try and get with someone? Oh yeah, because we are selfish creatures who crave sex and the desire to be loved. Seriously, everyone's better off not being in relationships. It seems people are just generally happier single than they are with someone.

Honestly, I've given up on humanity. I've given up on having any emotions...sadness, love, happiness. Really, it gets you no where in life. It sure in the fuck hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Where am I going with this? Simple.

I no longer give a fuck about anyone (except family of course). I no longer have love in my heart, but I also don't have hate.

I do NOT care anymore.

I am officially a home-buyer and since I have today off I'm gonna try and get the rest of the stuff moved. I just gotta see if someone can watch Ian while I do it. I love him to pieces but moving boxes in my car is hard enough as it is. Today my dad is coming over with the queen sized bed, which is gonna be nice for me to have. Comcast is coming over today. Ugh, unpacking. If I can get it all done, I wanna pick up my yard....I have an apple tree and there are apples EVERYWHERE.

Ok, I'll update in a little bit about everything. Time to get a move on.

...miserable and lonely.


I'll get used to this, I have to. I can stand on my own two feet do the best I can.

...had a wonderful dream last night.


I miss you...a LOT.

The first thing I hear when I get through the door is "Hey Kat, this thread is about you....describe a time when a blank chick gave you head"


Of course, the blank was fat.

It astounds me how naive people are.


FML.

My cousin is fucking getting married.

And I'm crying because I'm jealous.


I really am a selfish bitch.

Was last night....it was aiight. Godsmack rocked...I loooooooooove when they do the dueling drum thing.





Same thing, although this footage was taken elsewhere.


I was kinda disappointed with Motley Crue. Theatricals were awesome as hell though so I suppose that's ok.

All in all, awesome night, and I even went with my dad to this and had fun.

It's weird.

I'm not used to sleeping alone.Obviously by this I mean, curling up to someone in bed and just falling asleep, amazed at how awesome they are, or how cute they are when they breathe.


Maybe he was right, in one of his little bouts of anger so long ago. I AM a sad excuse for a person.

It's 4 am, I should be sleeping. No, I'm sitting here, staring around in this empty house. I wish someone was here with me. I wish someone was curling up to me in bed, holding me. In those moments I can forget the things in life that sometimes aren't fair and suck, and think of all the benefits and joys that life can bring. I want to put a smile on someone's face and make them happy. Make them laugh.

God I don't even know what I'm rambling about. Just excuse me.

I'm gonna go, and curl up to an extra pillow. And try to fall asleep.

The loneliness.



The sadness.



I don't like living alone.


I hate not having YOU in my life. It's hard to explain.


*sigh*



I'm just gonna find something to clean tonite. I can't take this loneliness much longer.

...I entered a modeling contest.

Voting begins August 30th and I want all you guys to vote for me and help me win :)

I'll post more as it gets closer to voting time.

......

nice balls.



:)