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Love and Marriage

So Adam and I are getting married next year and I am so incredibly excited, and surprisingly nervous lol. Hard to believe that we've been together for almost 3 years now. Yeah we've had our ups and downs but not ONCE did we ever break up or leave each other, we always worked through it. It makes me happy to know we have that type of relationship, even if we do piss each other off once in a great while. I think all relationships are like that, what matters is how you get through the small things <3

*falls over laughing*

I've had way too much time on my hands lately.

So I just have been browsing things.




You seriously look like a Grade A douchebag.

Holy Crap

I don't know what compelled me to go through my old LJ entries, but good lord...I was a pretty annoying teenager =\ Glad that is completely gone haha. It's kind of funny how, when people are teenagers, we think we know everything. We think relationships will last forever, people are out to get us, and even all the name-calling. It's so juvenile. The nice thing is the life lessons though we learn.

Example: Looking at all my past relationships, I was insecure. Paranoid. Constantly snooping. Now, with Adam...I just trust him. I just trust in our love to know he'd never do that crap to me.

I've come along way in the years, and I'm sort of happy. Not happy with what has happened recently, but I'll definitely bounce back.

Oh and I'm dreading turning 25 lol

=\

I'm a fuck up. I'm human, we all make mistakes.

My so-called perfect life, as I really would call it, may fall down around me. I'm hoping not. But I am so scared. Scared shitless and I have been so depressed about it for a couple days. I certainly hope this shall pass.

blah blah blah

So there is quite a bit going on in my life. Kind of. To start out, I was extremely impatient with where I worked last year. Not because I hated it or anything like that, but because working part time was really starting to suck ass. Fast forward to the end of November. Position opens up in my branch...the SAME position that I said was my goal to get to. Applied, interviewed, then on my 9 month anniversary, I found out I got the promotion :) Still super stoked about it, just hate the drive back and forth for training. I also gotta buy new clothes. YAY business suits, hahaha :P I really have no complaints in life. Me and Adam are getting closer to our 2 year anniversary. I find myself getting sort of jealous, though, seeing all my friends from high school getting engaged or married. Then I think about it, and more than likely most of them won't make it to the alter or will wind up in divorce. Some of them I know will make it though. Kind of makes me sound like a bitch, but meh. Also bummed we have to put our homebuying on hold. Our credit scores suck ass, so we wouldn't even be qualified for a mortgage. However, going to look into owner financing and see if maybe we can do that. I'm just too damn determined to leave the school district we're currently in. With Ian starting kindergarten this year, he deserves better than the shitty school he'd go to.

Wow dumbass

Yep, that's me, haha. Thankfully since the last blog talked to Adam, got the truth. Nothing to worry about. In all my shitty relationships, each one provided me experiences to grow. One thing I've learned, NEVER jump to conclusions and be a bitch, but just calmly approach a situation. Or maybe it's from growing up, hell I don't know :P

Still loving the fact that I don't work retail anymore. No more working holidays, get to work no later then 4:30 Monday thru Thursday, 5:30 on Fridays. Hardly have to work weekends, it's nice.

Ian, hell I am sooo proud of him. He really has come such a long way since we moved. Hard to believe he's starting kindergarten next year! Oh and he's pretty much potty trained :) Pretty soon no more training pants at nite! YAAAAAAAYYYY!

Hopefully next year we'll get a house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath. I find myself wanting another baby, but I can definitely wait...lol. I'd like Ian to be a little bit older, he still needs some help with things which is ok. And obviously out of this apartment. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty big and super nice but I'm ready to be a home-owner....and a blushing bride :) hehe.

Alas, time for homework. Nothing like math, on the upside once this class is done just have 3 more classes then onto my bachelors!
I feel like I need to put this to good use. I just need to vent.

I'm paranoid. Paranoid of being cheated on, since it's happened at least once. I want to trust. I do...and I did...until today. I saw something, could be totally harmless, but in my mind a red flag went way the hell up. I might be over-reacting...I don't know. I need someone to talk to, a friend to confide in.

So dumb

It's funny. Adam's ex girlfriend messaged him asking how he was doing, blah blah. Apparently she asks his mom about him too. I know girls like her. The bitch is married, has a kid. They dated like....over 6 years ago and she fucked up when he was deployed. Of course, Adam allowed me to see the message, so I'm totally glad he's open and honest which is what I've always known. But I think back to my past, I was like his ex. And now I'm afraid he's going to go behind my back and talk to her. Paranoid much? I probably am. I even sent her a nice message, literally, saying to not do it again. Dummy me. Girls like that will do it again and again, especially if she knows it upsets me. Oh well.

Besides stupid ex girlfriends, I still couldn't be happier living down here. I miss my family immensely, so I am glad to be coming back to Michigan in June for a few days. I love that I no longer work in retail. My job absolutely rocks. And I am just about done with my Associate's degree, FINALLY. I will hopefully get my Bachelor's degree at the University of Alabama. Overall, things are good. No gimmicks, besides some random moments of having doubts. I sometimes find myself wishing Adam would propose to me but good things come to those who wait =)

Bleh

Fuck surgery. Had to get an emergency surgery last week on Tuesday. Nothing too serious, just my gall bladder but still. I'm very grateful for the help I've had while I'm recovering, but I just feel like crying today. I just wanna break down and bawl my eyes out. Not sure why, I wish I knew. Oh well

Fear and Paranoia

Basically this is me to a T. I've been in about 4 relationships that one could deem meaningful. The fourth being the one I'm in now. I've been a dumbass a few times, thought I was in love but in all actuality it wasn't, just a means to fill a void in my heart. My last relationship destroyed me. Emotionally. I was, in an essence, so emotionally raped, I can't even trust anymore. I can't even find myself pretty, or try to allow myself to let people love me. In turn, this fucks up my relationships. 2/3 were fucked up due to my insecurities. 1/3 were fucked because the person was an abusive asshole. I'm pretty sure this next one is gonna get beyond fucked up because of me. I find myself constantly finding little ways to sabotage something that I know will and can be a beautiful thing. It's special. It's rare. I'm basically coming to the conclusion I'm not meant to be in relationships. I'm too fucked up for it. Not that I don't deserve love or anything, everyone does. But I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me first. Basically, this is the same old song and dance. Do I love him? God yes I do. Does he love me? I'm pretty fucking confident he does. But I'm so damn stubborn, so damn afraid. I gotta stop but it's like, my head overtakes my heart.

*sigh*

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